Yesterday I removed a huge decayed oak tree.
After about 9-10 hours of climbing, I started to feel like I was tanking.
I had a few more pieces of brush to rig down and then the final spar. My mind knew what to do but my hands and my body just couldn’t function the way I wanted. I was hungry and really dehydrated. I deeply wanted to finish the last little bit of this massive removal. But it was about 8:30 pm, and I knew I couldn’t climb any more today.
We were all tired but so close to being done. Jason got in the tree and finished the last couple rigs and final spar.
Normally, I’d be filled with guilt and shame for not pushing through and finishing the climb. I’d feel totally inadequate. Less than. And I would beat myself up with negative self-talk.
But honestly, when I got out of this tree and hit the ground, I was so fricken proud of myself and filled with both fatigue and joy. I finally felt like I KICKED GUILT AND SHAME TO THE CURB and was INCREDIBLY PROUD OF MYSELF for making the right call and doing a KICK ASS job today.
How did I shift my feelings?
1. I had an incredible weekend at the Women’s Tree Climbing Workshop. I felt inspired, empowered, encouraged and excited. But the similar feelings of guilt and shame came back Monday after the workshop – feeling like I didn’t help out enough, I was back to the frequency of guilt/shame which I’ve been experiencing for quite some time. Jason broke a bolt on my roof rack, and the thought of having to put gas in my van felt so overwhelmingly stressful. Then I said, I’M DONE! That was it. I’m done feeling unhappy. It’s just a bolt! We don’t acquire happiness, we become it. And in that moment I decided to be happy. To be fucking grateful. Life is amazing! I just had an unreal weekend and I am so incredibly supported. Life is way too short – I’ve learned that deeply through my moms Alzheimer’s. I’m shifting out of the frequency of guilt and shame to vibrate higher, and since then I’ve felt SO GOOD. Yea I’m still going to feeling guilt, shame, inadequacy, sadness, anger… from time to time. But there’s a difference between vibrating and living at an overall frequency of guilt and shame vs letting those feelings flow and vibrating at a frequency of love, joy, peace and gratitude.
2. I often feel alone while working in arboriculture. I’m the only female and I often do things differently than my coworkers. But after attending WTCW I finally feel SO SUPPORTED and not as alone in the arb world. There was no inadequacy or hesitation about getting out of there tree, because I know I have a huge group of amazing kick ass women supporting me who’ve got my back.
I believe this oak was my best removal. I worked so damn hard, climbing for 9-10 hours, I rigged the largest/heaviest tip ties I’ve ever done, I worked efficiently and smoothly, and I prioritized safety. Of course I wanted to finish the last spar. But a simple mistake from fatigue/dehydrated can cost you your life, someone else’s, or damage could be catastrophic. And getting out of the tree is never something to feel inadequate about.
Thank you to all the women who were supporting me today. I wouldn’t keep doing this without you.
My co workers are amazing. I wouldn’t be where I am without learning together. But there’s also something so damn special from connecting with other women after working with primarily men.
To any who feels alone – do your best to get out there and connect with people. Find groups. Find community. Or create it! Send a message. Go to workshop. Call a friend. Go somewhere new. Trust the unknown. Life is beautiful. People who are uplifting and inspiring can change your life.
Peace and Love,
Kirsten
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